Faith and Grief

Lone Ranger Grief

By Elizabeth M. Thompson

"I did not seek help for my grief. I thought I had to deal with it on my own."

I hear these words from grievers all the time! These are usually solid Christian members of Bible-believing churches, surrounded by people who love and care for them. So why don't they ask for help? Why won't they connect with other grievers or seek help from a pastor or Biblical counselor?

Here are some of the more popular reasons I have heard:

• No one really understands my grief and what I am going through.
• I can't afford counseling.
• I don't have time. I am busy working/raising a family, etc.
• I am in leadership in my church and don't want to appear spiritually weak.
• My friends and family only offer platitudes that make me feel worse.
• I tried to share with someone once and felt rejected.
• There are no resources available to me.
• My loss was so long ago, I feel like I should be over it by now. I feel foolish talking about it.

If you have employed any of these excuses, you are in good company! Many people feel the same reluctance to seek help that you are feeling. They too struggle alone in their grief.

The problem is that grief that is not processed can lead to deep valleys of isolation, depression and despair. Sharing your grief with others promotes healing.

Prayerfully consider connecting to other grievers or counselors who can help you work through your grief. Here are some resources:

GriefShare: Seminars and grief recovery support groups

New Life Ministries: (1-800-New Life)  Provides Healing is a Choice seminars, counseling, support groups, personal coaching,

Journal Your Grief: Unresolved Anger

Do you have unresolved feelings of anger or resentment towards the person you are grieving? Today's journal entry will help you write those feelings out and come to terms with them. It may be a bit of a challenge, but I know you can do it!

Part1: Blaming Feelings

1. Express your anger, irritation, resentment and criticism:

• I hate that you...
• I'm fed up with your...
• You should have/shouldn't have...
• It's your fault that...
• How could you...
• The problem with you...
• If it weren't for you...
• You made me crazy when you...

2. Express your hurt, disappointment, unhappiness, jealousy, and pain-your "poor me" feelings:

• I felt hurt when you...
• You made me feel...
• I was disappointed when you...
• I felt jealous when you...
• I felt rejected when you...
• If it weren't for you...
• If only you...
• It's devastating to me that you...
• I felt so unhappy when you...

Continue writing out your blaming feelings until you feel your heart shift from anger to a genuine seeking to understand. Then go on to Part 2.

Part 2: Non-blaming Feelings

These are the feelings that arise when you stop blaming others and take responsibility for the fear and sadness that resulted from your choices-your part of the difficulty. When expressing non-blaming feelings, the tension will drain from your body and you will feel soft and open and vulnerable. Write all you can about your vulnerable feelings, your fears, sadness and insecurity. Then write about your hopes and your loving feelings. Remember there is nothing for you to fix. It is okay to feel what you feel without trying to solve a problem.

1. Fear: Express your fear, anxiety and insecurity:

• I felt scared when you...
• I felt scared when I...
• I felt tense and anxious when you...
• I felt scared that you did not care about me when you...
• I was afraid to let you know how I really felt because...

2. Sadness: Express your sadness over your own choices:

• I am sorry that I...
• I felt bad (awful) when I...
• I feel sad that I...

3. Hopes: Express what you wanted, your dreams and wishes: (how you wanted things to be)

• I often dreamt that we would...
• Sometimes I fantasized that...
• I wish I felt...
• I wish you would have felt...
• What I really wanted was...

4. Love: Express your love, caring and understanding:

• I loved you because...
• I loved it when you...
• What I loved most about you was...
• Thank you for...
• I understand that...
• I appreciated you for...

This exercise will stir up emotions! Be sure to talk through those feelings with a trusted friend, pastor or counselor. Let yourself grieve, you will feel relief from the anger if you do.

A Portrait of Grief: The Queen

Last night I watched the movie, The Queen and was very intrigued by it. The Queen is the story of Princess Diana's death, from the perspective of Her Royal Highness, the Queen of England.

The film was very interesting, especially the points it made about grieving the loss of a loved one or family member (we won't assume that all family members are loved):

• Grievers often have differing perceptions and relationships with the deceased. In the case of Princess Diana, she was greatly loved by the public but rejected by the royal family. She was divorced from Prince Charles, so no longer a member of the royal family, yet her death profoundly impacted them.
• People grieve differently. Some are stoic while others openly express their sorrow. These differences caused friction after Diana's death as the monarchy sought a private time to reflect on their loss and the public demanded some sign of grief from them. These different approaches to grief are often part of the griever's personality or family traditions, however they may also come from the perception of the deceased.
• Grief often occurs in the middle of complicating circumstances. For instance, Diana was no longer part of the royal family and though she was divorced from Charles, he accompanied her body on a flight home from France. The royal family had to deal with Diana's death very publicly though they were estranged from her.
• People often have expectations of how we should grieve and try to impose their expectations. In this case, the people wanted the royal family to show thier sorrow publicly, to make statements and hold a state funeral.
• People grieve how they are taught to grieve, regardless what others think is appropriate. It can be very difficult to modify long-standing traditions related to grieving.

You may want to view The Queen and think about your own grief traditions. What pressures do others put on you and how do you respond to those pressures? What are the complicating circumstances surrounding your grief? How do your perceptions of your deceased loved one differ from the perceptions of others about him or her?

As you ponder these things, remember God made you who you are. You have a unique grief style that is yours alone.

I would enjoy reading your reactions to the movie, The Queen. I look forward to your comments!